I spoke with God tonight.
A little quick catch-up before I elaborate.
I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights. This isn’t unusual for me overall but out of the ordinary for the immediate past. It started out not seeming to be for any reason in particular, just disrupted and non-restorative sleep.
Last night, my poor husband exiled himself to the couch after my prodding him for snoring became unbearable for us both. Shortly afterward I was joined in bed by Deacon having had a bad dream. I got up to close the door and in the hallway stood Greyson saying he couldn’t find one of his lovies. I later learned he was on his way back upstairs after discovering my husband on the couch.
We all three piled in my bed, me between them, attempting to go back to sleep. Having never co-slept this was awkward for all of us. I suggested we return to their room where they could be in their own beds – an unsuccessful endeavor.
Long story wrapped up, we ended up just getting up extremely early making that two nights in a row of poor sleep.
Tonight was different. I had a nightmare.
Greyson repeated his mid-night visit to our room but my husband was here to field the request for help finding his woobie. Even though I was not required to get up I found myself irrationally angry about the whole thing.
I thought to myself, this again!? He’s almost 5 and we’re back here with him waking up every night because he lost his lovey in his bed! Why can’t I just get a full night’s sleep!?
The more I thought the more irritated I became.
My husband took Greyson back to his room and fell asleep on the floor leaving me with the bed to myself for the second night in a row.
I continued to lie awake stewing. I tossed and turned, snapped at the cat for being a cat, and cursed myself for not being able to fall back asleep.
Eventually I fell asleep, still angry, and my brain responded accordingly.
When I started writing this post I had every intention of describing my nightmare but as I am at the point when it’s time to do so I feel less convicted. Sorry to build you up only to let you down. I just think I can still make my point without having to rehash the actual dream in disturbing detail.
I will share this, it involved a situation where my anger got the best of me, I did something deeply regrettable, and there were serious consequences.
It was one of those dreams where when you wake up it takes you a minute to realize you’re back in reality and not in the pit of hell your brain just created for you. Then the tears came.
First, they were grateful tears that what transpired in the dream didn’t actually happen. Then they were tears of heartbreak processing the feelings that I was actually feeling from this very vivid dream. Next came fear and ugly crying.
So I lifted it up to the Lord and prayed.
I sobbed and prayed for peace. I prayed for Him to take these images from my mind. I prayed for restful sleep.
Spoiler alert, I didn’t get the sleep because I’m here at 5 AM writing this testimony.
The more I prayed the more I felt Him calling me to His word. But my bible was downstairs and it’s cold in the house…
Luckily, I remembered I had downloaded a bible app on my phone and I opened it to James.
See, earlier this evening I had my MomCo meeting, a meeting of local women who come together to talk about motherhood and Jesus, usually held at a local church (this one is at my home church), and we had guest speakers. They discussed the lies we believe and where they come from.
At some point during their presentation, one of the speakers spoke about the book of James and how it’s about surrendering to God. I had made a note to make time to read it because for some reason it felt important for me to remember.
I still couldn’t sleep. I needed to find comfort and just prayer alone wasn’t doing it. So I read.
I didn’t get very far before I felt the presence of God rush over me.
Little side quest, have you ever played bible roulette? Where you pray over something, open your bible to a random page, point to a verse, and read it only to realize that that verse is the answer you were praying for? Try it sometime. It’s a game changer.
Anyway, I was reading James. Immediately I felt relief. I was in chapter 1, crying again because I’m always crying, and I got to verse 19. If you aren’t familiar here is James 19-21 (new living translation):
“19Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. 20Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. 21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls”
Lately, I’ve been quick to anger. It could be hormones (timing checks out) but I’ve been feeling like I have been silently battling with something larger. Get me behind the wheel of a vehicle and I am not at all righteous.
I’m most guilty of being quick to anger with my family, in particular my children.
Take for example this very night when I got my knickers so far in a twist I was punished with a nightmare involving me irrevocably and regrettably doing something because of said anger.
God had spoken to me but He wasn’t done.
After reading the first chapter the tears returned. This time they were tears of gratitude, deep love, and understanding. I held my phone in my hands, still open, as the tears came in waves of intensity. I embraced them as I prayed.
When I had finished, I went back to my phone to close it and hopefully get some sleep. Only it wasn’t on James anymore. The following are the first words I saw:
“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”
In my emotional release, I had unknowingly gotten myself into the book of Hebrews, Chapter 13, Verse 4. The context around the statement above may not be directly relevant to this particular situation (verse 4 talks about greed and how God provides) but the fact that the first thing I saw were these words, not anything around them, felt like a direct conversation.
God was granting me the peace I was seeking in those two statements.
He had orchestrated this entire moment – the insomnia, the night wakings, my husband sleeping in the boys’ room, the speaker earlier tonight talking about the book of James, and me taking note to remember to read it. It was all His design to bring me here, to Him, to His word.
He had a message for me.
I say a lot that it’s hard for me not to believe in God after the things I’ve seen and been through in my own life. Tonight however, was something bigger.
I had always wondered what people were talking about when they would share that God spoke to them. In fact, I pondered it earlier this very night.
Now I know.
I’m not saying that after tonight I’m never going to be angry again. I suspect today might not go so smoothly as I have not had much sleep and will be solo parenting two high-spirited 4-year-old boys in an indoor weather situation.
But, He will not abandon me.