“I. DON’T. WANNA. SLEEP!” screamed my one month shy of a 4-year-old at the top of his lungs, directly into my face. I’d like to say this was a one-off occurrence brought on by severe overtiredness.
But it wasn’t.
This, along with other unwanted behaviors, had become our new normal. Primarily with the midday nap, but not exclusively.
Tantrums are par for the course when parenting toddlers/preschoolers, but this went beyond testing boundaries and fit-throwing for not getting his way. To make matters worse, I was being triggered by this new behavior and I was not acting like the mom I wanted to be.
As a twin mom, schedules, routines, and clear expectations are the only way I can successfully make it through the day. Deviation or change throws me completely off balance which was something I didn’t know about myself before becoming a mother.
So how did we go from being able to calmly get through our routine, them getting tucked in, and us walking out with them still awake without a fuss to this insane chaos?
WE PAVED THE ROAD WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
From day one my husband and I worked very hard to get the boys running in tandem. Outside of feeding, sleep was our biggest struggle early on.
At around month 7, after months of terrible sleeping habits and desperate, I meticulously attempted to perfect their sleep environment. According to an up and coming Instagram sleep specialist I found, babies need total darkness (can’t see your hand in front of your face blackout), a sound machine, a cool but comfortable temperature with good circulation, and a well developed bedtime routine.
Always the obedient student, I put up not one, but two sets of blackout curtains on the nursery windows after first taping black garbage bags against the glass. Additionally, I put a blanket across the bottom of the doorframe to ensure not even the tiniest sliver of light got through.
I quickly memorized the layout of the nursery so I could navigate it like a ninja to save my shins and toes.
They had a sound machine with white noise, a ceiling fan for circulation, and I always kept the temperature of the room at a mild 68-70 degrees.
I continue to keep their room the same way to this day though we’ve changed from white noise to a gentle lullaby and they aren’t in cribs anymore.
After working so hard to build good sleep habits, I was holding onto the last little bit of their babyhood for dear life.
ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END
You might be reading this thinking, “Girl, he’s almost 4. Take the win for getting him to nap for this long, pat yourself on the back, and let it go.”
Let me explain.
There is this phase your kiddo will go through just before the final nap drop where they aren’t quite ready to hang the full 12(ish) hours of the day but they refuse to admit it. This leaves them overtired taking on the personality of gremlin fed after midnight.
After a full week of what felt like going to war with my son every time I needed him to sleep, I conceded. I was exhausted, in tears, and wondering what in the hades I was even fighting for.
Not only was he ultimately not even getting good sleep, our relationship was suffering. Not to be discounted, my other son’s sleep was disrupted as he was there to witness to the drama.
As my therapist says, “You’re either saving for college or therapy.” She then reminds me she ended up paying for both.
SO WE GOT RID OF NAP TIME, NOW WHAT?
Giving up the fight didn’t mean my boys were suddenly mogwai (the cute, cuddly form of the “gremlin”) all day long.
The original plan was to slowly phase out the final nap by decreasing it over time and pushing up bedtime accordingly. Instead, because of the intense emotional turmoil involved, we just went cold turkey which historically has not worked for us.
This meant I was left with an extra two(ish) hours of awake time to fill.
Being that we are mid-winter, I have weather to contend with but the great outdoors has been a lifesaver. Even if it’s cold or a little wet, the boys still bank a significant amount of time outside because they and their clothes are washable.
We also lean in more to independent play.
WELL THAT WAS A SURPRISE
An unexpected side-effect of dropping the last nap was the rug pull of my own “me time.” I had become accustomed to the extra one and a half to two hour break from “Mommy! Wipe my butt!” and “Mom! He hit me!” or “Mama! Mom! Mommy! Watch this.”
Since my boys are in preschool four mornings a week, I used that time to work or get things done around the house knowing I had that extra little bit to fill my cup back up. Now that I don’t, I find myself a bit out of sorts as I also attempt to adjust to the new routine.
I also fell into a bad habit of relying on screens more than usual. What is up with the guilt on that by the way!? I digress and feel another post brewing – stay tuned for that.
MADE MY BED, TIME TO NOT LIE IN IT
We are one day shy of our first week of no naps and I can confidently say I have zero regrets.
Our home is much more peaceful these days. By letting go of the nap we don’t have much left to lock horns about – for now.
Bedtime has been moved up to create a 7:00pm to 7:00am situation. There have been a few early wake-ups, some middle of the night visits to our room, and some crazy bedtimes due to overtiredness as we find our new “sweet spot.”
A realistic goal we feel is 7:15pm to 6:45am once everything settles.
I will say, not having to plan an entire day around a nap has been freeing. We’ve been much more flexible the past six months or so as the boys started spending more time at my in-laws’ and we’ve travelled out of town for the day.
BUT MAMA, WHAT ABOUT HAVING A REST TIME?
Don’t think I didn’t consider and try a rest time first. We even started calling nap time rest time to gain cooperation to just stop moving long enough.
If you aren’t a parent of multiple kiddos (even ones that aren’t twins, triplets etc.) then the phenomenon of the escalation syndrome might be new to you. It’s not a diagnosable condition but rather the name given to the back and forth of one kid hyping up the other’s crazy until the situation is just short of needing a straight jacket and padded walls – for you.
My little Gizmos share a room and are certainly capable of creating their own idea of fun when left to their own devices. Case and point, them climbing up into their closet and making a chain with unused hangers.
I pick my battles and after finally coming to a peace treaty we can all live with, I wasn’t trying to start another war.
SO WHAT DID WE LEARN?
To listen.
Not only to the words being yelled at me at a volume that shouldn’t be possible for such a tiny human but to my own inner voice. In truth, they were both screaming at me wanting to be heard.
I was asking myself, does the end result merit having to go through the experience beforehand? Was up to an hour of tears, screaming, physical confrontation, and emotional distress worth the hour and a half of “sleep” afterward? Was forcing my kiddos to comply worth damaging my relationship with my kids because I’m equally as triggered and acting unacceptably?
Hard no.
I’d rather spend the time pouring love into my kiddos and offering a little more grace when we’re all running low on batteries.
Sometimes mommy knows best and forcing their hand is necessary for their health and safety. But I also need to open to allowing them to choose their own paths trusting natural consequences to be a much more reliable teacher.
