They say hindsight is 20/20. I have found that idiom to be especially true in motherhood – even though I have never been able to discern who “they” are.
I made a lot of mistakes as a new mom, as we all do. I continue to stumble through my motherhood journey and my boys are now pushing five-years-old but I can say I’ve learned a thing or two by now.
If I could go back there are things I would have done differently in the beginning.
Since I won’t get the benefit of my wisdom with the chance to do things differently a second time around because our family is complete, I thought I would take a minute to jot those things down so that perhaps another new mama might benefit.
Take all this with a grain of salt. Ironically, my biggest takeaway from my stroll down memory lane was to get off the internet, ignore all the conflicting advice, and go with my gut.
So do with this what you will, mama. Just know you got this and you’re doing a great job.
#1: Stop Trying To Set Them Down, Just Hold Them
Somehow I got it into my head that having a baby against my body for an excessive length of time was doing them a disservice. Like, an infant needed to learn independence or some nonsense.
Granted, I had two and sometimes I just wanted my body to myself. But, to be made to feel that unless I was actively engaged with them feeding or soothing they needed to be either on the floor or in some type of baby containment system was too much.
What was I even trying to get free from or for? Yes, putting them down to eat or use the loo makes absolute sense but outside of the obvious why was I trying so hard?
Because I was told to.
What I should have been told and believed is this: It’s okay to hold and love on your babies as much as you want. This time is so short (I know, but it has to be said here) and it’s not the time for independence but for laying the foundation for our relationship. It’s connection and love and trust and being that safe place they can relax into.
Soak it all in, bliss out, lose time, and get nothing done!
#2: Contact Napping Is NOT A Problem You Need To Fix
The companion to don’t hold your baby all the time is always put them down when sleeping. The idea being that they will learn to soothe themselves and sleep independently.
What a load of bull honky!
My husband and I spent the first seven months logging miles walking circles in our house with babies who would just scream bloody murder once you set them down. They certainly weren’t sleeping!
That whole sleep begets sleep theory is an actual thing. Since the boys weren’t taking great naps, they weren’t sleeping great at night, and since they weren’t sleeping at night, they weren’t taking great naps…
You see my problem?
Today I would tell myself to just snuggle the everloving ish out of them while they were sleeping or do whatever needed doing to get them the best sleep possible. Forget teachable moments and skill building – they’re babies.
I would also suggest staking claim on the bigger couch so I could have the option of lying them beside me but against me for a hands free option.
I’d also use the babywearing products I insisted on having.
#3: Use the Second Pack-N-Play/Don’t Get Mini Cribs
We planned to keep the boys sleeping in our room for as long as possible since I was breastfeeding overnight. Once we were ready to wean overnight feedings we would then transition them to their cribs in the nursery.
In an attempt to save space in our bedroom, we opted to use a particular brand of pack-n-play that came with two bassinets that sat atop and attached to the frame. It fit perfectly between my side of the bed and the wall and making night waking an easier experience.
We severely underestimated the longevity of this plan.
They grew out of the bassinets in less than two months. I wasn’t keen on them sharing a sleep space (personal choice, no judgement) so in order to keep them in our room I would have needed to set up the other pack-n-play which negated the point of having the one with the bassinets in the first place.
So we transitioned them to their mini cribs in the nursery which leads me to my next point, don’t get the mini crib just get the full size and make it work. Unless you plan on spending a significant amount of time in the nursery outside of sleeping, having a little less space isn’t a huge inconvenience.
Again, best laid plans to keep them in their cribs for as long as possible were thwarted by healthy growing boys.
I was going to ride that train til the wheels fell off and I can proudly say that I squeezed every last bit of use out of those things. I dropped the mattress to the dang floor to buy me some more time.
The most frustrating part was they never tried to escape! They loved their cribs and would have happily gone along if it wasn’t a Dr. Seuss Ned in the bed situation where either the feet or head needed to poke out one end.
They were in floor beds before three which opened up a fun new can of worms that could have totally waited.
#4: Bother People (Especially Your Husband) For the Photos/Invest In A Hands-Free Camera Setup
It’s become somewhat of an internet joke moms posting “proof of mom” photos. I’ve seen it. I’ve done it. I get it but I wish it didn’t have to be a thing.
I have an obscene amount of photos and videos saved to my phone of my boys. I’m in maybe 5% of them and of that 5%, 1% of them were taken by someone other than myself. When we run the numbers on how many photos I have of the boys with their dad that percentage increases exponentially.
Like many men, my husband’s first instinct isn’t to take out his phone to capture moments. Rather, he enjoys being present IN them. I’m not blaming him just laying out the facts.
If I could go back, I would gently remind him about taking more photos. I would also let go of feeling cringe or unpretty or like a sewer troll and be grateful for photos of me and the boys doing mundane, everyday, normal life, boring things together.
I’d also get myself one of those selfie circle things so I could set my phone up and just record everything.
#5: Get the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks Off the Internet and Trust Your Mom Gut!
If we are going in order of importance, this would be number one. But I’ve saved it for last so it’s the last thing you read and hopefully at least one thing you takeaway from this post.
Trust. Your. Mom. Gut.
The internet is a wonderful melting pot of knowledge and advice. The majority of it comes from a loving place with the intention of being helpful (hello, this blog).
However…
Consuming too much information, especially in that new mom brain fog under hormonal distress and suffering sleep deprivation state of desperation, becomes the opposite of helpful. You aren’t in the right mindset to sift through what’s good for you and useful so instead you end up feeling berated, confused, and defeated because all this sage advice isn’t working.
My biggest struggle was all the information was for one baby, not two.
Trying to figure out on my own how to adapt that advice for two babies was exhausting and sometimes just plain impossible. Not to mention when things didn’t work out right away I would think I was failing and move onto the next bit of advice before giving the first one a fighting chance.
I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention all the advice you’re going to get from your “village.” I ignored my gut and went against my instincts more often than I listened to them in the beginning because I didn’t know how to shut out the noise.
Knowing what I know now, I would put down my phone and tell the village to quietly sit down so I can hold my babies until they fell asleep in my arms, after which I would bother one of those villagers to take our picture.